Understanding Attachment
Here’s what you need to know about attachment…(and there is a LOT to know, but I’ll try to stick to the basics!)
Attachment is the foundational lesson of trust and the soil for growth. The optimal time of developing attachment is the first three years of life but is impressionable throughout life. Think of it as learning a new language. Learning a second language is easier at an early age as opposed to in your teens or later. However, it is most certainly possible to learn a second language but requires additional efforts and discipline, right?
Attachment refers to the relational connection you initially developed as a child with your caregiver.
Building attachment is the ability and process of bonding physically and emotionally to a caregiver in order for needs to be met. It is out of this trusting relationship that other forms of development are built. In other words, attachment refers to the relational connection you initially developed as a child with your caregiver. Your attachment was built during the hundreds of interactions throughout the day like diaper changes, snuggles, listening to your caregivers heartbeat while being rocked, playing peek-a-boo, and nearly any and every engagement with the primary caregiver.
What did responses and caregiving look like the majority of the time?
Consistency and predictability of caregivers is key in developing healthy attachment. There is no perfect parent and therefore, some needs will occasionally go unmet or simply be met in a less than perfect way. THAT’S OKAY! Again, I am talking about the majority of the time or what responses look like 75% - 99% of the time.
Attachment matters throughout your entire life because it is ultimately your strategy in relationship. Your strategy takes into account how to survive or stay safe, how to maintain your relationships, and/or how to keep others close. It is at the core of how we relate to others, how we get our needs met, and impacts other forms of development such as emotional, relational, spiritual, and more.
Our attachment impacts our relationships every day!
As an adult, our earliest form of attachment and our childhood experiences with caregivers impact the way we relate to others and either keep them close or push them away. The reality is, our attachment strategy impacts our relationships every day even if we are not aware of it.
If you’re interested in exploring your own attachment style, I highly recommend How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Their material is based on Attachment Theory (originally founded by John Bowlby & Mary Ainsworth) and is true to research regarding attachment.
We can all learn and grow into healthier strategies in relationship
As described in their book, they refer to attachment styles as our “love style”. To clarify a little further, a love style is the way we interact with others when it comes to love and is a result of our early love lessons. While we dig into our own love styles, keep in mind, we can all learn and grow into healthier strategies in relationship and essentially “earn” a secure love style: but it takes work! Thank goodness we serve a big God who is highly relational, the true Healer, and one who meets us exactly where we are at. He is love.